This may seem strange, but it's time to say goodbye to this blog.  How does one outgrow a weblog?  Can't it keep up with me?  How could it not be "me" anymore?  Doesn't it change, and dare I say it, evolve over the course of it's author's personal development? 

Perhaps, but this one is finished.  Oh, believe me, I will keep writing.  I believe writing, even informal journaling, is important. 

I intentionally avoided posting here while I was at IBEX.  Don't ask me why, but I wanted to separate my worlds.  The good side: living fully in the moment and focusing on the circumstances in which I found myself.  The possibly bad side: pretending California doesn't exist is just plain silly...  But it worked for that season.  And now it's over.  New season directly ahead.  See my friend Brian's last entry for sentiments that echo mine incredibly closely.

I really don't know what is going on inside me right now.  My mind feels turbid.  Yeah, I know, go look it up.

All that to say, goodbye for now.  The more creative ones will find me.

Blessings,
M

Currently Listening Day of Fire By Day of Fire see related

Three days!!!!!!!!!!!  I leave home tomorrow, down to Santa Clarita, hang out for a day or two, fly out Saturday.  I cannot believe it's getting so close.  I am 95% packed-- two big suitcases, a small roll-on, and a handbag.  Crazy.  My life for four months.

I had a reason for posting, I know it... let's see... oh yeah!!! Yesterday my mom and I hung out, and today my dad and I get to hang out!!! They both took a day off to spend time with me, isn't that amazing? It's awesome.  We laughed alot yesterday-- I'm sure passers-by in Target (last-minute acquisition of pertinent supplies) thought my mom and I were crazy or something.  We had the "laugh so hard you almost cry and pee your pants" thing going on. 

Gotta go make good use of the time.

Shalom!!!!

M

Currently Listening X&Y By Coldplay see related

- speed of sound

I made hummus the other day.  It was absolutely amazingly good, especially with fresh pita bread.  God provided the ingredients, Dr. Behle provided the (authentic middle Eastern) recipe, I assembled; it was beautiful teamwork between us all.

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Cartwheels are fun!

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My room-friend (roommate) called me today, how precious it was to speak with her. 

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It's been a little difficult to sit down today, but it was well worth it, the cause of this discomfort! Erin and I went on an approximately 15-mile bike ride Saturday, a wonderful fun bike ride-- weather was perfect, exercise was good, hanging out was awesome-- it was so fun!  No flat tires, bee stings, or wipe-outs.  To be out in God's creation is so relaxing.  All-around, a most excellent day.

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What amazing friends God has given me!  I wish I could post a few of the pictures I have of them that capture their unique personalities.  I'm glad God invented "fun."

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How do you say goodbye?  It's hard.  But I bet sometimes we make it harder than it has to be.  It's not for forever, right?  But there's always that uncertainty-- no guarantee of tomorrow, after all.  So just say it and go (easier said than done).  Conversely, why not "revel in awkward moments"?  It shows you're living, you're close to other human beings, it shows you care, revealing the bonds God has created.  Self: don't shrink from uncertainty.  Someday I want to be brave.

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God never neglects us, though we often choose to neglect Him.  What love.

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Pensively, contentedly,
M

Currently Watching The Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King (Widescreen Edition) By Viggo Mortensen, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood see related

I hate shopping. 

More accurately, I intensely dislike going shopping either 1) for clothes, or 2) by myself. Let me loose in a bookstore or an office supply store, and it's ok, even solo.  I much prefer company, though.

Yes, ladies and gents, Marisa has completed more than 90% of her map project, with a mere 15 pages to go! She is very excited to be almost done, especially as the day on which she will depart draws nigh.

Marisa has also been experiencing pretty intense mood swings-- usually up and down and up and down and up (in that order) within the span of an hour or two.  Her parents have been very understanding, thankfully.  It may have something to do with thinking about the increasingly imminent undertaking of a big trip that is absolutely petrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  (Ever seen a big chicken/homebody that sometimes takes risks and likes embarking on adventures? Yeah, that's, um, someone I know...)  I've started missing my closest friends already; I wish I knew how to undo that feature of my psyche.  It'd be a lot more fun if I had fun while at home and had fun abroad, instead of mourning the "missing you's" ahead of time (and still probably doing so during as well).

That's a weird thing about college too-- summer break.  You miss the friends and wingmates from school during the summer, and really enjoy getting to actually hang out with old friends from home, (at least I do) but during the year it's the reverse, so at all times you're apart from someone you love.  If I could perfect life here on earth, which is obviously a moot point, I'd have it so that you could spend time with all your best friends at least part of the time. I think I should go to bed now, that didn't make sense.  Maybe to have all your best friends in one place? That's kind of the idea.

In additional other news, Marisa didn't have to go to work today!!!  She is done! Weird that it's over so quickly.  She spent 13 weeks working at a job she enjoyed with people of whom she was genuinely fond.  She didn't sleep in much, though, too much to do, but it was still nice to not have to work all day.  She's having lunch with Josh on-base on Friday; it will be good to go back and see everyone at work one last time!! And of course, hang out with Josh a little more.

In other-other news, Marisa "facilitated" her church's brand new, as of this summer, college group/Bible study last Friday night (its third meeting).  At the instigator-of-the-group's request (Becca's fiance Josh G.) she prepared a lesson/devo type thing, and it went well.  She felt very comfortable leading, even though there were adults there as well. How do you judge how well it goes? Positive feedback? Feeling good about it?  God making it flow smoothly? I don't know. I thought I should have spent more time preparing, but what if it was just what God wanted? He can use anything; it's His words anyway.  Was my heart completely humbled? Not sure. I tried to pray beforehand to prepare my heart.  It started me thinking, maybe I should do biblical counseling? Haha, not changing my major now, with only 3 semesters left. I don't mind speaking in front of people.  I enjoy teaching, but somehow am not a Teacher Ed major because I didn't want to be for sure, didn't know if I wanted to teach for sure, I still don't know what in the world I will do after I graduate!! I don't think I'll get married right away (as far as I know, at this point) and I almost don't want to, unless it's God plan, then that would be ok. ;) But I'd like to be independent for awhile, work for a while, be a missionary--- something!  God could use my teaching experiences maybe in ministry someday, informally. Mentoring women? Training up children in the fear and admonition of the Lord? Those are worthy causes, too, though they're hard to tangibly measure.

I guess I need some space even on Xanga, because I've been starting paragraphs in third person, reverting midway through to first-person.  What a confused mess I must be.  The word 'roiling' comes to mind as an apt description of my thoughts and emotions.

If you were a punctuation mark, what would you be?  I'd be an apostrophe, I think.

Or an ellipsis...

Why is it that even though you wouldn't normally see someone during the week, when you know they're out of town, you miss them intensely?

Mystery to ponder upon my pillow.

G'nite.

M

Currently Listening Collide By Skillet see related

- a little more

It's not every day you call 911 on the way to work....

No, too dramatic.

I got my adrenaline fix for the week this morning!

No, too cheesy.  How about straight up?

Um, well, I saw a dramatic accident happen today whilst I drove to work.  It was literally the two cars right behind me.  I had been watching this one car as it drifted from left to right-- sometimes crossing over the lane line, once drifting into the median, where the tires kicked up gravel, dirt, grass, etc.  (and thinking, What is wrong with this person?? Are they sleepy?) It was in front of me, but I passed it (timing my maneuver to occur while the other vehicle was drifting on the outside of the lane, of course). The second time it drifted into the median, (this time I'm glancing at it in the rearview mirror) the driver swerved back onto the road, started curving into the other lane, hit a car in the other lane, and the two cars went off the outside edge of the road down an embankment.  It wasn't too steep, thankfully, but it was probably still quite a ride!  By the time I gave the information to the 911 operator (Hwy 135-- on the way to Vandenberg-- Clark Ave-- Southbound-- white sedan-- green 4-door-- collision-- over the edge) she said they were getting calls from the people in the accident-- what a good sign! That means at least one of them was ok. It was the weirdest way to start a morning.  I prayed for the people; I praised God it was not worse.  I was reminded what a huge thing it is to control (whether ably or not) these heavy machines we use to convey our bodies everywhere. I was reminded that I am so small and insignificant-- it could have been me, but He spared me. We think we're invincible in our "fly rides", but stuff happens-- you're not in control, not really. It was sobering, but good. 

I got to share the Gospel yesterday.  It was cool (putting it mildly). I knew I had to say something, as the convo (with Josh at work) was progressing.  We have a pretty good friendship established.  I couldn't tell you exactly what I said, but it was clear and simple, I hope.  I had Romans 6:23 going through my head-- all those verses you learn at the beginning.  All have sinned... believe on the Lord Jesus Christ... for God so loved... I must redouble my prayer-efforts for him! He is exploring, and admitted that he knew he wasn't in control.  But he's not ready to take the next step.  I suspect his gf may be a Christian (which, if so,  presents the question of why she is dating a not-believer) and he's fairly open-- listens to Christian music even, but he's not a believer yet.  It's very intriguing.  And he's a very "good person," which makes it hard.  Conscientious, thoughtful, proactive, humorous, polite, well-raised, etc. But that's not enough!!! I hope to keep in touch with him after summer's gone-- please pray for him too! Pray most of all that God would draw him to Himself, for without that, no man can come to Him. It's been causing me to think about that whole salvation thing-- God draws, God convicts, God has elected his own.  Yet we are to share the Good News, live a life reflecting Christ, have speech always seasoned with salt, live in such a way that unbelievers see-- something different, see God, see God's work in the believer's life. Dichotomous.  Very hard for me to be bold.  It amazes me that I could be one God would use, but I pray He would! There would be absolutely nothing greater than to be able to share with Josh in such a way, or do or be something such that he comes over to the narrow way.  I don't even know how to describe conversion-- to "get saved"? to "ask Jesus into his heart"? to make that decision? become a follower of Christ? but it's already been planned before time began. And is it really his decision to make? Well, yes. It's paradoxical.  I want it so bad for him!! I think he knows that I want him to have that assurance, not only of knowing "where you'll go when you die," but of knowing God is always with you, always available to talk to, always the same, always God, always Himself, with all His attributes, always at work in us, making us better, giving us real life, that thirst-quenching living water. I don't know how it came across, but I also don't know how God works in hearts, or how He may use our conversation.  I decided to not over-analyze it, asking myself, "Could I have said it differently? Did I say anything bad? How could I have done better with that opportunity?" I thought about it a little, but in the end, it's up to God to work with what I gave, and He knows me better than I do; He knows if I "did my best" or whatever.  He will grow me through it-- as I gain experience in sharing, I'm sure (well, I hope) that I'll get better at it.  And I hope He brings Josh to the place where Josh will then choose to surrender to Christ.  Nothing better than that.

Two weeks to IBEX.  I was starting to get stressed out, alot, really bad, for a couple days, but doing better now.  It was funny-- one night even I could tell I was having major mood swings.  I'm super excited, but scared to death too.  So much to do, too little time to do it (but wait, I'm not supposed to try and do it all by myself.  God should be in it all, right??? ... Oh, right.)  I know God wants me to go, but it's a big trip, long time, far away (this galaxy, though). He'll grow me-- I can't wait.  I know I'll have fun once it's time, for I do like to have adventures, too.

Last day of work tomorrow! We had a going-away ice cream party today, it was so fun! I am geniunely fond of all those people, with whom I have worked for two summers now.  They need Him, it's frequently on my mind.  May my life be a testimony!  (And my trip to Israel, of which they are aware.  I won't hold back in my email updates, believe me!)  They gave me sweet gifts-- a multi-small-gift-package-- travel alarm clock, blanket, journal, messenger bag; so thoughtful! Josh made me a "long airplane flight survival kit"-- including a slinky, "Josh In Space" action figure that actually kind of looks like him, CD, etc.  It was very funny: duct-taped shoebox with funny things written on it with goodies (and explanations!) inside.  He has been so pleasant to work with, I can't believe the blessing it's been, and a built-in witnessing opportunity, too! God was so good in doing that.  We crack each other up.

I got to have dinner and hang out with Matt and his family on Monday, it was neat.  We had mango popsicles for dessert!  We smelled the scented geraniums in the back yard, and looked at pictures of their Death Valley trip... motorcycle trip that is. :) It's so hilarious that they all ride and take trips together.  They also showed me quite an arsenal of guns, many of which I got to ogle, load, cock, and otherwise heft, while being unloaded, of course. I think Brian's in law enforcement (stepdad), cuz some of his guns were "evidence," kind of a creepy thought, but it was fun too.  I felt like a little kid-- saucer-eyed, wowed and excited. I'd love to go shooting with them sometime, we'll see if it ever happens... one of those nice ideas that doesn't materialize, not a high priority.

That's about all for now.  Gotta go finish my map project-- so close!!!!!  Ugh. It's been very difficult for me but fun, time-consuming yet extremely beneficial (I hope).

Who knows what God has in store.

M

Eph 6:10